Yeah, that's what I said. EGG.

There are some things that Americans do very well. Pizza, New York, steak, big cars, everything on demand. There are some things that Americans really don't do well. Hamburgers fall squarely into this category.

When we got here, we expected the usual mass-produced McDonald's-style hamburgers - you know, flavourless pickle-infested stuff. What I didn't expect was how badly one-off hamburgers are done here. Burger with the lot? Forget it. A lot of what?

I'll talk you through the hamburger process. Firstly, when you order a hamburger, you need to decide how you want it done (as in steak). I found out the hard way to just order it Medium. The first time I did this, I ordered Medium-Rare, just the same way I have my steak. Bad move. It came back half-cooked, oozing blood all through the bun; absolutely disgusting. Note to self - burgers are medium; always.

The second trick is that if you want it with chips, don't ask for it with chips. Ask for fries. Here, fries doesn't mean those thin, salt-coated things you get at McDonald's. Fried just means chips, as in they're fried. I made the mistake of ordering steak and chips at a restaurant. He asked "Are you sure?" Sure I'm sure. So out comes a plate with a nicely cooked steak and an emptied packet of chips on the plate next to it. Now I know why he asked if I was sure that I wanted chips with my steak. Note to self - chips don't go with steak. They come from packets in vending machines.

The third trick is forget beetroot. They don't even call it beetroot here; it's beet. Don't even bother asking for it. It's not worth the effort. There's one place in Manhattan that does beetroot on a burger, but that's an Australian restaurant, so it doesn't count. Note to self - beetroot belongs in an obscure part of a supermarket, not in a US burger place.

The final trick is to ask for egg on your burger. I've done this a few times now. What is completely normal in Australia is as foreign here as eating raw fish with long sticks. Every single time I ask for egg on my burger, they ask, "Are you sure?" or "Did you say egg?" Well of course I'm sure, and yeah, that's what I said: egg. I wouldn't have asked for it otherwise. They must thing I'm messing with their minds. The good thing about egg (unlike beetroot) is that everywhere has eggs, so if you push your point, they'll always be happy to oblige. Even better, having egg on a burger is such a "foreign delicacy" here, that you usually don't get charged for it because they don't have an "ADD EGG" button on their registers; that's what a good tip covers.

The locals are always fascinated when a burger comes out (usually served open-faced) with a giant fried egg sitting on top of it. They watch in morbid fascination to see if this guy who ordered egg with his burger is actually going to eat it. Hell yeah, I'm going to eat it. Watch me. And they usually do. I'm often asked, "Is that how they have it in England?" (anyone here that speaks English without an irritating American accent has to be from England of course). Sometimes they're genuinely interested to know how it adds to the flavour of the burger. Some even decide to try it some time. I'm sure they're humouring me for a better tip, but you never know, they might do themselves a favour.

Note to self - nothing beats a good old Aussie Burger with The Lot from a dodgy Fish and Chip shop.